We Lost Our Daughter
Enduring the Pain of Adult Child Estrangement
I never believed it could happen to me. My daughter and I sometimes wrangled inside an emotionally conflicted relationship. Yes, she could be angry and hostile towards me. Sometimes she took advantage of my love for her and used my grandchildren as emotional pawns to control me. But I never thought she would banish her father and me from her life. I never envisioned a future without her in it.
I’ve stayed pretty quiet about this tragedy. Close friends and family know that Greg and I haven’t laid eyes on our daughter or beautiful grandchildren in over two and a half years. She didn’t leave the country or move out of state—she still lives about four miles from our home.
She didn’t die, even though I have grieved as though she did.
The ugly truth is that she dumped us, banished us from her life, and imposed a life sentence of no contact with her and our grandkids. I wish I had a rational explanation for why this occurred, something that would explain the wrecking ball that crashed through our family.
Maybe we were horrible parents, people who just imagined we had done all the right things to raise healthy children who knew they were loved and wanted. Maybe we took the job of parenting too seriously and invested too heavily in all the wrong things. Or perhaps we loved our kids too much, a burden that she could no longer bear.
I suspect the last reason is the most accurate. Her rejection of us had to be as forceful as our love for her. The love that she grew to loathe. The love that she banned from the lives of our grandchildren.
I’ve spent countless hours, days, weeks, years trying to untangle the words, actions, and emotions that preceded this tragedy. I’ve looked to the wisdom of other parents who are also grieving this loss. I’ve read their books and blog posts and empathized with their pain. I’ve taken my questions into the therapy room. And I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed.
What happened God? What now God?
If you despise someone and the love they have for you, it’s easy to scream obscenities at them and call them a failure. It takes no effort to criticize the things that are most important to them—their values, their faith, the way they speak, or how they spend their time. You don’t mind taking advantage of their love for you because it benefits you and requires nothing in return. You feel no guilt or remorse for the way you treat them because, well, they owe you.
But the debt is never paid and parents of estranged adult children know they will never be enough.
My dear friends, it pains me to write these words. But you need to know that I am just getting started.
What I have discovered these last few years is a multitude of parents who suffer silently and believe terrible things about themselves. The weight of the heartbreaking stories they share on private Facebook pages and internet forums could cripple an army. Yet they soldier on, waiting, hoping, longing for things to change.
I’m in the earliest stages of researching and writing a book on this important topic. I’m gathering stories, compiling data, searching scriptures, and recollecting the healing moments from my own journey.
I found a way through it, a way to not only survive, but also thrive on the other side of this valley of shadows. It’s not an easy path, but it was blazed for us by the one who experienced the greatest rejection of all and rose above it to lead us into a life of love and peace. Like Jesus in Gethsemane, sometimes the only way to walk through the pain of rejection is through radical relinquishment.
In my memoir, She’s Still In There: Healing the Wounded Child Within, I tell the story of how God was present during the darkest moments of my life, even when I wasn’t sure he even existed. Little did I know that this assurance would serve me so well during the greatest loss I would ever endure.
I invite you to join me on this writing journey. If you or anyone you know is enduring adult child estrangement, and you would like to share your story, please reach out through the contact link and I will be in touch.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. ~ Jesus
Lisa,
This is powerful and painful. I remember talking to you about her when she went to the Navy! I can’t wait to read more.
Thanks Donna – I appreciate you so much! It’s a tough journey, but I’m willing to walk it.
My dear Daughter, this story leaves me with-out words, I pray for our daughter almost every day, and I know The good Lord knows more about this than we due, but the words of comfort are lacking at this time of my life, Like you, I don’t know what to say, Blessings Dad
Thanks Dad – I appreciate all your love and support. Your prayers are very important to me!
My dear long-lost friend Lisa,
It has been so many years since we have met up. Though I have watched you on FB that’s about all I have done, it always brings a smile to see your pix. What a wonderful, heartbreaking and painstaking narrative. You are a beautiful writer, always have been. Though I am in a different situation and circumstances, I feel connected and touched with your story. I will be following you and looking forward reading your book. Thank you for sharing this unwritten pain.
Thanks so much for your kind and caring words of support.
Who would have thought this could or would happen? We sure didn’t when we were raising our kids the very best we knew how. Oh how I have cried my heart out to the Lord, and there were days I felt spent and a saddened to my very core. 4 years later I have leaned into the Lord like never before. You are brave to open up this subject and share your own pain. I know that God is going to
use this heartache to touch many. Love you and know I’m so supporting you in prayer, friendship and love.
Your love, support, and enduring friendship means the world to me. You have always been a strength and comfort to me and I thank God for you dear friend. Let’s keep shining light through the cracks in our broken hearts!
I am estranged from 2 adult children. All because I left their alcoholic, abusive father after 32 years of abuse. Words cannot even begin to explain my pain! I have tried and cried. Now there seems like no more hope. I pray everyday for them to soften their hearts to at least explain. Why.
Yes, sometimes the pain feels intolerable. But we are never alone – no one understands rejection better than Jesus. I’ve learned that some adult children blame the non-offending parent more than the abusive one, the one who tried the hardest to love them and keep them safe. I know -it feels so unfair and undeserved.
Keep praying and seeking God’s presence and comfort. He is very near to your broken heart.
I am walking this road and it is very painful and difficult. I want the best for my estranged daughter and I struggle to understand how no contact can be best for either of us
I judge myself and feel judged by others. I tried to discuss it with a small group of women who have known and loved our family for years. One woman stated “maybe she won’t come around because she knows you talk about her.” Perhaps the comment was not intended to harm, yet ouch. Where is the safe place to work through the grief and harmful choice you have no control over?
Most parents of estranged children have encountered this kind of judgment. Even friends and close family members are often too quick to offer explanations for our circumstances. What we’ve all learned through our suffering is that there are no easy explanations or remedies for the loss of our dear children.
The best resources I have found include a small handful of faithful friends, my wonderful Christian therapist, and a daily prayer life where I have to daily surrender everything to God. Blessings to you Margaret.
I have been estranged from my son and his family for about 10 years at different degrees. My son is my only child. It has been a long painful road to get to the point where I don’t think of my son every single morning and what I don’t have with my granddaughter. I started writing down my thoughts and pains in poetry; it has helped me deal with this terrible pain. I’ve also started sharing my testament at churches and reading aloud some of my poetry. I feel now this is my calling.
Rejection from an adult child, especially an only child, is one of the most painful losses we will ever experience. How wonderful that you are able to express your sadness and also your healing through writing and poetry. I firmly believe that this will help others going through the same kind of suffering (2 Corinthians 1:3-5). You are finding a new way through your pain, and that is very good. Blessings to you Kim.
It’s so strange the way we can forgive them over and over again, and, yet, have a most difficult time forgiving ourselves. I wonder if it’s because we can’t point to exactly what we did wrong, or we’re unable to change the unsatisfactory outcome, or if it’s the devil keeping us stirred up so we miss out on the absolute peace we should have in Christ.
I pray daily for my daughter and grandson to draw close to Jesus. All the pain from throughout many years of life together and six years of no contact could never compare to the knowledge that they are truly believers. That’s ultimately all that matters. An eternity with God awaits all who accept Jesus as their savior.
Guilt and shame erode our faith, our peace, and our ability to trust that God is with us in the midst of our struggle. When we feel guilt, it’s hard to envision that God is working to remedy the painful situation we and our adult children are enduring. Which is why we then put so much responsibility upon ourselves, more than is ours to bear. There is much freedom in accepting and walking in God’s grace and forgiveness. Pray you find that peace too!
I have been estranged from my daughter for 1 year now. It has crippled us. Our story is unique and I would be willing to share. Thank you for writing your blog and book. It’s desperately needed. I look forward to reading it. God bless us all as we wait…..
My heart is with you. Feel free to message me through the contact form below.
Dear Lisa,
Thank you for these postings. So often we feel alone in our children’s rejection. I had no idea there were so many others facing the same thing. It offers a modicum of comfort. Thank you for writing a book on this painful subject.