The Gift of Remembering

The annual arrival of Mothers Day creates an emotional frenzy, and moms everywhere feel the weight of it. All of us have a mom, and many of us are moms, stirring up a near-universal whirlwind of activity. Mothers Day evokes the same feelings that many people encounter around Valentines Day—the emotional stakes are high and the pressure to perform is intense.

The goal of Mothers Day is the expression of love and gratitude for someone of great significance –the person who gave us life. So why is this day so anxiety producing? Why do we feel so conflicted about it? Moms want to be acknowledged, even celebrated for our loving, selfless devotion to our children.

But we live with a nagging fear that our most meaningful life’s work is irrelevant and unimportant to the people who occupy the center of our hearts.

Mothers Day can be a hard day for women for a multitude of heart-wrenching reasons. It’s true that moms feel undervalued for their selfless, lifelong devotion to their children. But are there are other factors at work in our mama-hearts that intensify our feelings of worthlessness? We might not be able to change the hearts of the people we love, but we can examine our own and perhaps choose a different way to deal with our conflicted emotions.

Women are relational to the core and our need for loving, interdependent connection with others is the air we breathe. But where our children are concerned, the dynamics become tricky. We yearn for the love we lavish on our children to return to us in equal measure—we want to be as important in their lives as they are in ours. But as our children age out, we learn to adjust our expectations to allow them to function independently as adults. We accept our grown children’s distance from us as normal adult development. We may even voice our praise for their ability to live without much support from us. We view this independence as a successful launch from the nest and move on to the next phase of our middle-aged lives.

Except on the second Sunday in May.

Even if our adult kids deliver a lovely, expensive flower bouquet, we still yearn for the grubby hand of a four-year old extending a wilted dandelion. They might call us or even send a loving tribute through a well-designed Hallmark card. But these gifts don’t warm our hearts like a page filled with crayon stick-figures, scribbles of crazy-colored daisies, and the wobbly letters our child’s name. We remember when they were as delighted to give us these precious gifts as we were to receive them. Our hearts were tuned to the melody of their unashamed love for us and these memories are deeply embedded upon our souls.

Although these experiences were sweet, they may haunt us like Ghosts of Mothers Days Past because they remind us of something precious that now seems lost. But take heart—moments like these might not re-enter your life, but your tender recollections remain yours forever, and they never lose their luster. They mattered then and they still matter now. In fact, our fierce devotion to our children is a God-given trait that ensures the survival of humanity.

Our children may not share our memories with the same depth of emotion that we experience, but that’s because they were just kids. How could they have known their miraculous little lives were deepening our understanding of love in ways we would never forget? They couldn’t know, and even now probably don’t fully understand the impact they made on us.

So if your treasure chest of memories includes moments like these, be grateful and glad and rejoice in the knowledge that you were, and still are, a good mom. The joy of motherhood is all yours regardless of the story you are now living. You can let go of all your Mothers Day  expectations and know that your life as a mom has immense value. And you can still love your kids like crazy even if they don’t acknowledge it like they used to. As I wrote in Letters From Mom:

[Our love] lives on like the wild morning glories that spring from beneath the rocks in my garden, their delicate, resilient blooms opening to the sun at the start of each day. They don’t ever need to be watered or nurtured. They just bloom because they are living out their divine purpose. It’s how we bear the image of God. Love cannot be restrained. It aches for expression.

I would add that the purest form of love requires no reward. It’s hard to love like this, but we can ask God to fill us with his limitless grace that will purify our love for our children, not because it’s good for them (although it is), but because it’s good for us. It will set our hearts free.

There is no reward for love except the experience of loving, and nothing to be learned by it except humility. ~ John leCarré

Humility indeed. Nothing humbles you like motherhood. Humility helps us grow to understand love’s essence. The following quote from my favorite allegory about the Christian life, Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard, explains this truth. I’m certain I will will spend the rest of my life attempting to learn this lesson:

“But it is so happy to love,” said the Shepherd quietly. “It is happy to love, even if you are not loved in return. There is pain too, certainly, but Love does not think that very significant.”

I encourage you to let go of the notion that your value as a mom, and as a woman, lives and dies with how well you are celebrated on Mothers Day. Open your own treasure chest of memories and revel in the beautiful moments that changed you forever. Remember all the good you gave and the joy you received. Hold these thoughts in your hands like sparkling gemstones and be happy that you have learned how to love. And then thank God because he was with you and  remembers them too.